I’ve got nothing to say today other then I am a psychopathic, fat mess of a fool, wasted life. I easily ate well above a thousand calories today, it being Mother’s Day and all. But above all my OCD is going nuts. Clean this, clean that, organise this, list that, check this, lock that, wash your hands, plan that. My mind is working at million miles per second. It’s driving me insane. I just found myself cringing nervously at a man on television making a mess in the kitchen.
Crazy, fat fuck.
I can’t stand myself.
To kill myself slowly starving, burning through my skin and slicing to the core.
A disaster giving my all the everyone but me.
That’s how I plan to be.
I can’t have it any way.
I deserve nothing but pain.
I feel nothing but pain.
I am the causer of pain.
I’m out diary,
Yes it’s me, I know I’ve neglected you for the past month and a half or so but believe me when u say its not my fault! I’ve had my birthday, I’ve moved houses and been stuck in the mits of studying and school work. In fact I still haven’t got any Internet here in my new place as of yet. I’m sure we will soon. A lot has gone on obviously, I probably can’t remember all of it but since we’ve departed each other my weight has stayed vaguely stable except for a few days where I binged and couldn’t purge. As of now though I am still at 44kgs and aiming for fasting and weighing in at 43kg by next week.
I’ve decide to start writing to you as if you were a diary and kicking off that old statistic bullshit because it gives me more freedom to write as I will and whatever about. (I’ve been reading “Go Ask Alice”.)
As for school and life, I’m still as lonely as ever. Now I just don’t even bother with it because being alone is a part of normality for me. T has gone completely astray from our relationship. I could stop breathing, turn back and blue, collapse on the floor right next to her and she would notice a thing. Poor girl, I hope she knows what she’s doing, throwing away everything in her life for that boy. I am so happy for her finding a love, but I hate him for what he’s done to her.
Meanwhile, at school I’m just scrapping by with my grades and I’m trying so hard. My minds just been a little over frazzled as of late. But never the less, schools a drag. Unfortunately home is worse. Everyone’s working or busy and I’m just home alone read or watching tv in my room. It’s peaceful, that’s nice. But it’s lonely and it make me tempted to binge.
I’m still trying to stop binging. I’m slowly getting there. I’ve been able to go days at a time with our binging and purging! That’s great for me. Today I did binge thought. However I managed to only eat 400 calories and workout too.
Life still shit, I’m tired so I’m going to leave it at that for now. I promise to be more religious with writing, I hope.
Love always, June.
Ps, I self harmed recently and have a beautifully patterned burn design type thing on my wrist, it’s very noticeable though, oops.